The subtitle to this post is in reference to the fact that I have not actually obtained true selflessness, but to reflect the fact that I am figuring out more and more about it. This is specifically an area of my life that I determined during the winter break that I wanted to change. Far too often my first, last, and only thoughts are of me. I realized this in my vast amounts of free time, reflecting back on my friendships and interactions over the previous semester. To some degree I already referenced this idea in my Frozen post, talking about the transition I'm making to be less self-centered and more focused on the needs of others. For any student of said post, you will recognize that it is initially through the loving acts of those around me who have opened up my understanding of this topic. However, all I achieved at the writing of that post was to recognize that I was lacking in that area, and I didn't have a very good idea of how I was to proceed in order to become more selfless.
Let's be clear: I don't suddenly have the answers to life, but I have taken a step along the road to understanding this particular topic. The reasoning behind this lies in the last 2 hours of my life, so bear with me as I tell a little story:
Context: I've been quite taken in by the dance classes here at BYU. I took two last semester, learning and improving on dances such as the cha cha, waltz, tango, west coast swing, and others. Naturally, I am continuing in that progression of dancing this semester, and my continual improvement and liking of dance brought me to decide I wanted to audition for the ballroom team. Now, this being winter semester, there weren't that many spaces open, but I decided to try out regardless, not really expecting to get in but having at least hope of doing well. Auditions were this evening, starting at 7:00 (19:00). So naturally I've spent a large portion of time practicing for said auditions (we were to dance american cha cha and waltz). I felt pretty good about it. I also knew that some of my friends were going to audition, and to some degree that made me nervous. I don't have a very large competitive streak, but sometimes it comes out, especially when I'm feeling at a disadvantage. However, I was able to push all those thoughts away when I was preparing for the auditions tonight, choosing instead to just go and have fun (part of that preparation being an hour long nap before I went to the audition, as being on campus from 8 until 5 tends to drain one of all energy).
It actually might have been that decision that weakened my performance, though to be fair every time I'm about to perform I get hyped (thank you high school theater :), which extra energy I think made me a little sloppy. Whatever the reason, I was cut from the first round (there were 3). But I didn't let myself get down about it, after all I went to dance and have fun! What was very exciting was that all 3 of my friends who were also auditioning made it to the third and final round. One of them even made team, with the other two being held as alternates during this semester in case they need to pull up extras.
Now, what this has to do with my topic of choice is while I was there, watching them continue, I felt as if there were two choices I could take: I could either be bitter and harbor bitter feelings against my friends for their success (the selfish path), or I could be genuinely happy for their success. And just like that, I made the decision. As I watched them, I truly was excited for them as they continued to advance. It was something so foreign to me, the fact that I was happy even though nothing was benefiting me in any way. I completely forgot any rancor I might have had and just enjoyed it. However, my point of realization came as I was returning home. I was not only happy, but also felt a desire to go spend time with other people. I was bemused as I understood that yearning, because I had just done something very social and generally that drains my willingness to continue spending time with other people. Even when I do have the energy to go spend time with other people, it's usually self-serving: I usually go because I want to spend time with them, or because there's some objective (playing games, eating food, or just generally relieving boredom) that benefits me. However, what I realized in my trajectory home was that I didn't have the urge to spend time with other people because it might benefit me, but because I was feeling so happy and I wanted to share that happiness with other people. Just like that, then, it hit me: that's the key. That's the key to being selfless. When my interactions with others, or my thoughts of others, are centered around to helping them, lifting them up, instead of what I might gain from the exchange, that's when I am truly being selfless. This may seem trite and insignificant in writing. I don't know that I can really describe how I was feeling in that moment. But it was pretty exciting to recognize that feeling; now I can have a greater surety that I can reach that stage of "thaw the frozen heart." I don't know that I'm there yet, but I recognize that within me lies a great capacity for selfless thinking and action. It is partly due to that feeling that I sat down to write this post. Because I didn't actually go spread my happiness to other people, I'm writing this to remind you all to smile and be happy :) ::::) (even spiders smile). So yeah. That's kind of the point of this post. I love you all and want to you be happy. So do it!
Here's something that makes me happy:
:D
